Finding Comfort in Grief: 20 Gentle Ways to Support Yourself When You’re Grieving

Comforting things to dip into when you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted or simply trying to get through the day.

This isn't a list of twenty things you need to do. Think of it more as a basket of possibilities - things you might reach for when you need a little comfort, steadiness or support. Some may speak to you and others may not. Take what helps, leave what doesn't, and come back another day when you need something different.

Receiving comfort

When we are grieving, we often put pressure on ourselves to cope, be strong or keep going. Instead, ask yourself a different question: 'What would feel comforting right now?' The answer might be a cup of tea, a warm bath, sitting in the sunshine, calling a friend, listening to music or simply curling up under a blanket. There is no right answer. Grief changes from day to day, and so will what brings comfort. Give yourself these comforting moments and the permission to really receive them. Listening to your body

Your body is wise. It knows what it needs. Sometimes we have to slow down a little to listen to it, but when we do our body has important messages to share. It will tell you what it needs to feel calmer, stronger or comforted. It will let you know when it needs to rest and recover, or when it needs to move to release tension. Our bodies naturally know how to come back into balance. So what is your body saying it needs to enable it to do that?

Letting yourself cry

Tears aren't always a part of grief, and there is nothing wrong in that. But if they do come, see if you can allow them rather than immediately wiping them away or trying to pull yourself together. Crying can be one of the ways our bodies express what words cannot. And there is a genuine physical benefit to the release the comes from crying - as tears of sadness wash stress hormones out of our system.

Rest without guilt

When your wise body tells you it is yearning to rest, go along with that. Lay down, make yourself comfortable, relax into the chair or bed and let go into complete rest...without feeling you should be jumping up in 5 minutes to finish your 'to do' list. It is so important to let your body relax, your mind rest and your heart settle - to give your system some recovery time as you face the huge challenge that surrounds you.

Nervous system regulation

Your overtaxed nervous system needs extra care when you are grieving. There are many ways to do this and I'll explore these in another article. One of the most powerful is to breathe slowly, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Find a rhythm that feels good to your body and relax into that for a few minutes.

Drinking enough water

This sounds such a simple thing, but simple things can easily disappear when we are grieving. You may forget to drink, eat or look after your most basic needs. Keeping a glass or bottle of water nearby can make it easier. Think of it as one small way of saying to your body, 'I'm looking after you.'

Eating what feels manageable

Grief can have a big impact on appetite. You may not feel hungry at all, or perhaps cooking feels like far too much effort. This isn't a time to create another set of rules for yourself. Look for foods that feel nourishing, comforting and manageable. A bowl of soup, some toast, fruit, yoghurt or something prepared by someone else.

Creating a little sanctuary

Is there somewhere in your home where you feel particularly safe or comfortable? Perhaps your favourite chair, a corner of the bedroom or a place beside a window. Gather a few things there that soothe you - a soft blanket, a photograph, a candle, a favourite book or something from nature. It doesn't have to be elaborate. Just somewhere that quietly says, 'I can rest here.'

Being Kind To Yourself

Tiny moments of kindness to yourself are valuable gems when you are grieving. Little pockets of time where you soothe your frazzled nervous system can be gentle boosts that help you through the rest of the day. If you feel resistant to doing this...just start with micro kindnesses. Standing still and letting your shoulders drop. Feeling the morning sun on your face. Gazing at a tree in a park for a moment. Saying to yourself...'this is hard, so I'm going to be gentle with myself'.

Finding your safe people

Not everyone will know how to support you in your grief. Some people may try to cheer you up, offer advice or say things that aren't helpful. Notice the people around whom you can simply be yourself. The ones who don't need you to pretend you are okay. The ones who can listen without trying to fix anything. These are precious people to have around you.

Moving your body gently

Sometimes grief leaves us wanting to curl up and be still. At other times the body may feel restless, tense or full of pent-up energy. Gentle movement can help. Stretching, walking, swaying to music or simply rolling your shoulders might be enough. Rather than thinking about exercise, ask yourself, 'How would my body like to move today?'

Keeping things simple

Grief uses an enormous amount of our inner resources. Concentrating, remembering things, making decisions and juggling several demands at once can all become harder. So where you can, simplify. Make the easier meal. Say no to something. Leave the non-urgent job until another day. Ask yourself, 'What really needs doing today?' It might be less than you first thought.

Getting outside

There is something about stepping outside that can gently shift how we feel. You don't have to go for a long walk or achieve a certain number of steps. You might simply sit in the garden, stand at the back door or wander slowly around a local park. Feel the breeze against your skin. Notice the sky. Listen to the birds. Let the natural world hold your attention for a little while as you soak in it's healing energy.

Letting someone help you

Grief can make even ordinary things feel like hard work. Cooking a meal, answering a message, walking the dog or going to the supermarket can suddenly require energy you simply don't have. When someone offers to help, see if you can let them. You don't have to carry everything yourself. Sometimes allowing another person to do one small thing for you can create a little more space to breathe.

Writing things down

Sometimes there is so much going around inside our minds that it helps to give it somewhere else to live. You might write in a journal, scribble a few thoughts on a piece of paper or write a letter to the person who died. There are no rules and nobody else needs to read it. Simply let the words come and see what your heart wants to say.

Staying connected to the person you love

The relationship doesn't simply disappear because someone has died. You may find comfort in photographs, treasured belongings, visiting a special place, listening to their favourite music or continuing a tradition you shared. You might talk to them or feel a connection to them in your heart. Find the ways of remembering and connecting that feel right for you. Love can continue even when someone's physical presence cannot.

Giving yourself permission to have good moments

You may suddenly laugh at something, enjoy a meal or realise that for ten minutes you weren't thinking about your grief. Sometimes these moments are followed by guilt. But having a moment of pleasure doesn't mean you have forgotten the person you love or that your grief matters any less. It simply means that alongside your grief, life has offered you a small moment of respite. You are allowed to receive it.

Lowering your expectations

You may not be able to do everything you could do before your loss - at least not right now. Grief can affect your energy, concentration, motivation and confidence. Try not to measure today's version of you against the person you were before all this happened. Perhaps ask instead, 'What is reasonable for me today, given what I am carrying?'

Finding small things that soothe you

Comfort doesn't have to be profound. Sometimes it is a hot water bottle, clean sheets, your favourite mug, a warm shower, a familiar television programme or wrapping yourself in a soft blanket. Notice the ordinary things that help your body relax even slightly. These tiny comforts don't take away grief. They simply make a difficult moment a little easier to inhabit.

Taking it one day - or one hour - at a time

Thinking about the future can feel overwhelming when you are grieving. How will I manage next month? What about Christmas? How can I live the rest of my life without them? When your mind travels too far ahead, gently bring yourself back to the piece of life immediately in front of you. Sometimes a day is too much and you need to take things an hour at a time. Sometimes ten minutes is enough. You don't have to work out the whole future today.

I do hope this little basket of supportive things brings you some ease and comfort. If you'd like to know more about how I could support you through grief and loss you can book a free meeting with me here.