The Importance of Feeling Safe When You are Grieving
- Josie Wood
- 1 day ago
- 6 min read
Feeling safe in your body, mind and emotions helps you face the pain of grief.
Grief can be a perfect storm of clashing pressures that we have to face. Feeling the deep ache in our heart, while dealing with the additional demands that often accompany bereavement, along physical symptoms of grief such as disturbed sleep and unsettled digestion...can lead us to feel stretched to our limit.
Add into this the churning questions such as 'Who am I now they have gone?', 'How do I keep living without them?', 'How do I handle this loneliness?'...and our nervous systems launch into high alert as if we are facing genuine danger. We can be triggered into a state called fight or flight...as if we are escaping a burning building or dealing with an attack. When grief makes us feel unsafe
Our nervous system is constantly taking in information from within us and around us. And it is always asking one fundamental question...
Am I safe?
When we experience shock, stress or loss, the body can respond as though something dangerous is happening.
We might feel anxious, restless or unable to settle. Our heart often races. Our muscles may tighten. Our thoughts speed ahead into the future, trying to anticipate what might happen next, as our mind tries to protect us from further danger, wondering...'If this could happen...what else could be around the corner?'
For other people, the response can be very different. We may feel exhausted, numb, disconnected or want to hide away from the world.
All of these reactions are not signs that we are we are 'doing grief wrong'. They are part of the body's attempt to protect us when something enormous has happened that puts stress into our system.
Bereavement can shake our sense of safety at a very deep level. Someone who was woven into our everyday life is suddenly no longer physically there. Familiar routines disappear. Roles change. The future we imagined may no longer exist. The world itself can begin to feel like the vast unknown.
Why feeling safe matters so much in grief
When our nervous system picks up what are known as 'cues of danger', much of our energy goes into protection. And this can make it harder to do one of the things grief asks of us...to feel.
Grief brings powerful emotions...sadness, longing, anger, fear, loneliness, regret and helplessness. If our body already feels overwhelmed, these emotions can seem too much to bear.
We may instinctively push them away, stay constantly busy, distract ourselves or become frightened of what might happen if we allow ourselves to feel.
This is why creating safety can be such an important part of grieving.
We do not need to force ourselves to face everything at once.
Instead, we can gently help the body discover...
I am safe enough in this moment.
When the nervous system begins to receive that message, something can soften. Our breathing slows down. Our muscles can relax. Our thoughts may quieten.
And within that little bit of space, we become more able to allow grief rather than using all our energy trying to resist it.
Feeling safe does not take the pain away. It gives us a steadier place from which to meet it.
How can we create more safety when we are grieving?
Safety can come from many places - our body, our surroundings, our relationships and even the way we speak to ourselves.
Often it is not one big thing that makes the difference, but many small moments of safety gathered together.
Begin with the body
We cannot always think ourselves into feeling safe. Sometimes the body needs to experience it. You might place a hand gently over your heart, feel your feet on the floor or notice the support of the chair beneath you.
Look slowly around the room and remind yourself where you are.
Allow your out-breath to become a little longer. And perhaps quietly say...
'Right now, in this moment, I am safe enough.'
You do not have to convince yourself that everything is fine. You are helping your body recognise that this particular moment is manageable.
Find Places That Help You Feel Safer
Our surroundings can influence how safe we feel. Perhaps there is a favourite chair, a quiet corner of your home, a garden, a woodland path or somewhere beside a window where you can watch the trees.
Notice the places where you feel you can settle a moment, so your breathing becomes easier, your shoulders can let go of the weight they are carrying and the tightness in your forehead can soften.
You might deliberately create a small sanctuary with a blanket, photographs, candles, gentle music or anything else that brings you comfort.
Spend time with safe people
Some people help us feel calmer simply by being alongside us.
With them we do not have to pretend to be coping. We don't have to explain our grief. We don't have to hide our tears. And we do not have to listen to how we should be feeling by now.
Notice the people with whom you can just be yourself.
Those relationships can help the nervous system settle, because we no longer feel that we have to protect ourselves or put on a brave face.
Reduce unnecessary demands
Grief takes an enormous amount of emotional and physical energy. So where you can, allow life to become simpler for a while. Let some things wait. Say no when you need to. Ask for help. Break large tasks into smaller ones.
Instead of carrying everything at once, ask yourself, 'What really needs my attention now?' Safety can come from making life more manageable, facing tasks with smaller pockets of time that take less energy.
Allow grief in manageable amounts
Many people fear that if they begin crying, they will never stop. Or that if they really allow themselves to feel their grief, it will overwhelm them. But you don't have to open the door to everything at once.
You might spend a few minutes writing in your journal, looking at photographs, listening to music or simply sitting quietly with what you feel.
And afterwards, deliberately return to something grounding, soothing and calming.
Make a cup of tea. Stand outside for a bit. Wrap yourself in a blanket. Call someone you trust. Watch something comforting.
Find for yourself a gentle rhythm between feeling the grief and resting from the grief. Both are important.
Speak kindly to yourself
The way we talk to ourselves can either increase our sense of threat or help create safety.
Notice the difference between...
'I should be coping better' and 'Of course this is hard. I am carrying a lot'.
Or between...
'Why am I still feeling like this?' and 'There is no timetable I have to follow.'
Self-compassion can lead to a completely different internal experience. Rather than facing inner criticism, we can start to feel a sense of companionship...as if we have a friend supporting us from within.
Let nature help
Nature can offer a very simple form of safety. We don't have to explain ourselves to a tree. The hills don't ask how long we have been grieving. The clouds aren't looking at us...wondering if we are coping, they just float past.
So out in nature, we can just...be.
Listen to birdsong. Feel the air against your skin. Notice the ground beneath your feet or the movement of leaves in the wind.
These sensory experiences can give us intervals where our mind pauses just for a little while. Moments where past doesn't seem as heavy and the future doesn't loom as large.
Ask one simple question
As you move through grief, you might begin regularly asking yourself...'What would help me feel a little safer right now?' Not completely safe. Not perfectly calm. Just a little safer.
The answer might be rest. Company. Solitude. A walk. A cry. A warm drink. Your hand on your heart. Or just giving yourself permission to slow down and go gently.
Safety does not mean avoiding grief or protecting ourselves from every painful emotion. It means creating enough steadiness that we can gradually turn towards our grief without becoming completely overwhelmed by it.
