'Grief isn't a Task To Finish & Move On’: Poet Glen Flowers says we can't push through grief.

In her poem 'Grief' Glen Flowers tells us grieving is about finding a new way of being. One where where we expand to encompass the loss.

Grief can feel like a deep, dull ache that radiates from the core of our being. It’s a sensation that’s hard to describe, but if you’ve felt it, you know it intimately. Sometimes it’s like a continuous inner bruise, and other times it’s a stab of pain that pulses through us when we’re aware of who is no longer here.

At first, we might resist it. We might try to push it away, to control it, to stop it from overwhelming us.

We might try to hold on to our old picture of what ‘normal’ was for us, and deny what is actually happening.

Or we might try and put on a brave face, telling others we are okay, while suppressing what we are really feeling.

But grief doesn’t allow us to shut it away in a box, or put it to one side, while we push forward.

Grief is not something to ‘get over’. It's not like an illness that we recover from.

The poet Gwen Flowers captures this truth beautifully in her poem, ‘Grief’…

I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I'm learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather, There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element of yourself.

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self.

Like Glen, I have come to understand that grief isn’t a hurdle to be cleared or a task to be completed. It’s more like a current that moves through us, sometimes gently, sometimes with a force that takes our breath away.

There were times when I was grieving that I tried to resist it. I tried to hold the shattered parts of myself together - in a way that looked like I was coping, but I wasn’t.

Grief was like a rising body of water, lapping at my feet. And I was slowing sinking into it.

So, I stopped resisting. I let grief wash over me. I let it flow through me. I opened myself to it completely. I allowed the pain - even as it burned inside me.

And then, something started to shift. Not all at once, but gradually. The sharp edges of the pain began to soften. It didn’t disappear - grief never really does - but it started to dissolve into something different.

By making space within myself to fully feel this pain, I also made space for something else to grow inside me. The hollow left behind by loss was slowly being filled with a sense of spaciousness, an openness that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

This spaciousness isn’t about forgetting or moving on. It’s about integration. It’s about allowing grief to become a part of us, not as a wound that festers, but as a wound that heals into a scar - a reminder of what was, and a testament to the love that still exists within us.

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Grief, isn’t something to overcome or get past. It’s a companion that walks beside us... shaping us in ways we never expected.

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What has your experience been? Have you felt that same rising tide pulling you under? Have you tried to keep yourself afloat with strained efforts at coping? Does the idea of letting grief wash through you feel frightening? Or does it feel a relief to know that you don’t have to pretend anymore? Does it bring a sense of comfort to let yourself…just be as you are? To let the pain have its time. To let it move through you, without pushing it back down inside.

In my work with grieving clients, they have often been surprised to find that when they let their grief ‘just be’ like this it brings an unexpected peace. When they allow their pain to be felt and move through them, they can breathe more easily.

It’s a paradox, I know.

It doesn’t mean that they are ‘over’ their grief. Rather it means that they open up, they expand…to be able to live with the grief as an integrated part of them.

This growing, stretching, and expanding through grief can radically transform us. We emerge different to who we were before—sometimes stronger, sometimes softer, but always changed.

In making space for grief, I’ve also made space for healing. Not the sort of healing that tries to erase the past or return things to the way they were, but healing that allows me to integrate my loss into the fabric of my life. It’s a healing that acknowledges the pain, honours it, so that it becomes a part of who I am. This leads me to - as Glen Flowers says...'a new way of seeing', a new definition of myself.

If you'd like to know more about how I could support you through grief and loss you can book a free meeting with me here.