Why Does Grief Make Me Feel So Anxious, Exhausted and Overwhelmed?
- Josie Wood
- Jul 24
- 7 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
How bereavement and loss affects your nervous system, energy levels and ability to cope with everyday life.
I didn’t know grief would feel like this!
Has grief has left you feeling exhausted, unable to concentrate, emotionally overwhelmed or constantly on edge? Bereavement affects far more than our emotions. It can influence the brain, nervous system, energy levels and our capacity for daily life in ways that many people never expect. In this article, we'll explore why this happens and some gentle ways to support yourself through it.
If you have clarity about why the exhaustion, anxiety and overwhelm is happening for you, you might want to move straight to the 'What Actually Helps' section of this article.
What is in this article
Grief Disrupts Your Whole Being
What Happens In The Brain During Grief
Why Grief Creates Anxiety
Why Grief Leaves You Exhausted
Why Even Small Things Feel Overwhelming
All Of This Is Normal
What Actually Helps?
Grief Disrupts Your Whole Being When we live through grief and are punched in the stomach with the impact of it...we find that it brings more than heartache. For some of us there is also swirling anxiety, that twists into spiralling overwhelm and lands us into bleak exhaustion. This can sometimes come as a shock. We can be taken aback by the realisation that grief is more than something we feel just in our emotions. It is something our whole being experiences. The intensity of the reactions in our body, our mind and our nervous system can be very scary, with the fear that we are falling apart.
It can feel like a whole body meltdown...which adds even more distress to the pain we are already feeling over losing the person close to us.
I'm writing this article to let you know that you are not on your own with this utterly awful experience. I'm here to support you. I'm going to shed some light on why it's happening and what can bring some comfort and relief.
What Happens In The Brain During Grief?
When you wake up in the morning and it hits you again, that the person you love is no longer here...that triggers more than an ache in your heart. Your brain also goes into overdrive to try and figure out what on earth has happened.
Neuroscientist and grief researcher Dr Mary-Frances O'Connor tells us that our brains have spent years creating an internal picture of the people we love and expecting them to be part of our daily lives. When someone dies, our brain then works very hard to piece together this new picture of the world. The one with a space where they used to be.
This takes a huge amount of energy, and drains our thinking abilities for other tasks - such as remembering where our car keys are. We find our mind is clouded and foggy, we can't concentrate, we are forgetful and in a daze. Not because there is anything wrong with our brain. It's just that it is working doubly hard to make sense of the unthinkable.
Why Grief Creates Anxiety
When someone you love dies your world can feel like it's been torn apart. Or that a bomb has gone off in front of you and all the pieces of your life are up in the air...then landing in scattered chaos around you.
Your system reacts to this as if there is you are facing immediate danger, as if a real bomb is right next to you, now. It fires up into red alert...as it tries to protect you from threat. The part of you doing this is called your sympathetic nervous system, and it's very useful in keeping you safe. But only in certain circumstances, such driving in very busy traffic. Then when the need for alert focus is over, it's supposed to switch off and our nervous system ideally moves into a more relaxed state. When we are grieving it typically can stay stuck in survival mode. As if we are running for a train even when we are sitting in a chair. Or...lying in bed trying to get to sleep. It is scanning the horizon for danger...even if that danger is in our mind, and our broken heart. Every thought can be translated as a threat, every throb of emotional pain can by picked up by our highly vigilant sympathetic nervous system as something to defend against. So it's no wonder we find ourselves in a state of high anxiety as it prepares us to run, or fight the sense of danger it feels all around us.
Our world no longer feels safe, or predictable, or known. It's a bit like walking on the very edge of a steep cliff, in a storm, with the wrong shoes. Everything in our body is screaming 'Help!' It's shouting 'I'm not safe here, I might fall'.
The anxiety you feel is your system calling out for help, for safety, with the panic button inside you jammed on, and repeatedly flashing red.
Why Grief Leaves You Exhausted Exhaustion is the natural biproduct of a mind that won't switch off; of muscles that are always at the ready to leap up and tackle a threat; of a heart that is beating faster; of a system that is flooded with stress hormones and of a posture that is tight with pain.
It's a challenging downward spiral because the tighter and more tense we are the more exhausted we become...which then makes it even harder to function and we feel even more at risk. This is of course a fire lighter for our threat avoiding sympathetic nervous system, which then works even harder and makes us even more exhausted.
When our whole body has the electricity of fear and anxiety constantly running through it - we get burnt out very quickly, as if our inner landscape has had a wildfire and is left charred.
We can also be facing the double whammy that bereavement has brought us extra work, responsibilities and burdens. Such as dealing with probate, looking after relatives who are also grieving and wondering how we are going to manage in the future. It can be a perfect storm...of exhaustion meets overload.
Why Even Small Things Feel Overwhelming
When we are grieving, flooded with anxiety, and with exhaustion shutting us down, every road bump can feel like a mountain. The ups and downs of life become tidal waves and chasms. Sometimes we don't know how we are even going to get out of the house to buy milk. The cat needs feeding but that would mean moving off the sofa and it's more than our body can cope with. Someone comes to the door to bring flowers but we can't face talking. And those are the ordinary things.
Add in to that more troubling things such as financial challenges, family tensions, unhelpful bosses at work, the heaving pile of 'sadmin' or an upsetting health diagnosis of our own...and the stress in our system ramps up even more. Our capacity for handling all this is a tiny dot on the horizon...far out of reach. We don't know how we will do it. Especially with the blur of brain fog, feeling worn down by decisions, and the feeling that it's all pointless anyway.
While all this is bearing down on you...it's so easy to slide into feeling that you have disappeared. But you haven't. You are still in there. I will help you find 'you' again.
All Of This Is Normal Even though the brain fog, anxiety, exhaustion and overwhelm can be frightening when you are in the middle of it. It is normal.
It is normal to feel this way when you are facing the big hole that is left in your life when you have lost someone close.
Yes, anxiety and overwhelm can intensify the pain. Yes, exhaustion can add to the ache of loss. Yes, foggy thinking is unnerving. But one thing that you don't have to carry - is the thought that there is anything wrong with you as you grieve.
There is nothing wrong with you.
These are normal experiences in grief.
Knowing this won't ease the pain, but it might lessen the burden of self judgment, if you find yourself wondering about this.
What Actually Helps?
Some of the things that can help you are so simple you might dismiss them. But these small, simple things really can bring a bit of ease to the heartache and soften the pain - as you weave the ones that call to you into your day.
I've taken a few things from another blog post where you will find further suggestions to to bring comfort when you are grieving.
Listening to the body
Your body is wise. It knows what it needs. Sometimes we have to slow down a little to listen to it, but when we do our body has important messages to share. It will tell you what it needs to feel calmer, stronger or comforted. It will let you know when it needs to rest and recover, or when it needs to move to release tension. Our bodies naturally know how to come back into balance. So what is your body saying it needs to enable it to do that?
Rest without guilt
When your wise body tells you it is yearning to rest, go along with that. Lay down, make yourself comfortable, relax into the chair or bed and let go into complete rest...without feeling you should be jumping up in 5 minutes to finish your 'to do' list. It is so important to let your body relax, your mind rest and your heart settle - to give your system some recovery time as you face the huge challenge that surrounds you.
Nervous system regulation
Your overtaxed nervous system needs extra care when you are grieving. There are many ways to do this and I'll explore these in another article. One of the most powerful is to breathe slowly, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Find a rhythm that feels good to your body and relax into that for a few minutes.
Being Kind To Yourself
Tiny moments of kindness to yourself are valuable gems when you are grieving. Little pockets of time where you soothe your frazzled nervous system can be gentle boosts that help you through the rest of the day. If you feel resistant to doing this...just start with micro kindnesses. Standing still and letting your shoulders drop. Feeling the morning sun on your face. Gazing at a tree in a park for a moment. Saying to yourself...'this is hard, so I'm going to be gentle with myself'.
Keeping things simple
Grief uses an enormous amount of our inner resources. Concentrating, remembering things, making decisions and juggling several demands at once can all become harder. So where you can, simplify. Make the easier meal. Say no to something. Leave the non-urgent job until another day. Ask yourself, 'What really needs doing today?' It might be less than you first thought.
